It starts with a question: “Am I going to have to defend myself?”
And quickly turns to resolve. “I’ll murder you if I have to.”
Then a running list of tactics and reminders help bolster enough confidence to proceed. “I can smash him in the head with my water bottle… gouge the eyes and knee the crotch… get him in a choke hold if you can… bend back his pinky finger… and whatever you do, don’t ever stop squirming…”
That’s what I’m thinking every time I pass a strange man on the sidewalk or find myself in close quarters with a man I don’t know well.
I’m preparing to fight to the death.
Hallways, stairwells, elevators, closed offices and conference rooms, parking lots and garages, the hotel gym. The list of potentially threatening situations women find themselves in on a daily basis goes on and on.
Recently, a female coachee shared a challenge in which a new male colleague took issue with the way they were working together. But he didn’t just politely share what was bothering him and request the changes he needed.
Instead, he invited himself into her office unexpectedly.
Came around to the backside of her desk.
Stood mere inches away, looming over her in her desk chair.
And spoke in a loud, aggressive manner, bombarding her with accusations and demands.
My client maintained her composure as she calmly but firmly asked him to leave.
I don’t know if I could have maintained mine.
As we hung up our call, I was left feeling stunned and appalled. How could he have thought it was OK to do that? Doesn’t he know he was creating a threatening situation that could have landed him in HR… or worse?
Then it dawned on me.
Maybe he doesn’t know. Maybe other men don’t. Maybe no one has ever told them.
So, I’m going to tell you now.
First, some statistics you should be aware of.
Did you know that according to the CDC…
- About 1 in 4 women in the US have been the victim of physical violence by an intimate partner
- More than 1 in 5 women have experienced rape
- Nearly half of all women have experienced some form of sexual violence
So, collectively about half of all the women you interact with have been physically violated in some way, often by a man. Many carry lasting effects from these experiences, including PTSD, which means we could be easily triggered if a situation feels even mildly threatening.
The effects of this don’t stay neatly compartmentalized to personal life. They shape how women assess safety in all environments, including work.
And what about the other half of women who aren’t represented in the statistics above? Well, they probably haven’t been so lucky either. They’ve most likely had close calls, made narrow escapes, or have mentally reclassified real instances of abuse in their own minds as misunderstandings, accidents, or “not that bad.”
We also know that a lot of violence against women goes unreported, so it’s safe to say the numbers above are understated.
But regardless of whether a woman has or hasn’t experienced abuse first-hand, we all know that the likelihood of being violated or attacked at some point is high. And because of that, most of the women I know walk through life in a state of constant fear that we’ll be next.
So, guys, here are some important tips you should remember when interacting with women in the workplace.
Simple Ways to Make it Safe
(Keep these in mind all the time, but especially during tense conversations or if you don’t know the woman well.)
- Maintain at least 3 feet of distance. The more heated the discussion, the further away you should be.
- Ask before entering or approaching. Don’t enter someone’s office or personal space without a quick knock or invitation.
- Avoid standing while talking to a woman who is sitting. If possible, sit down to be at the same level as her.
- Keep your arms relaxed and by your sides. A lot of movement or hand gestures can be perceived as a possible threat (i.e., “He’s going to hit me”).
- Keep your tone even and volume low. Deep voices carry and can sound like yelling, even when you’re just talking.
- Keep a table, desk or other barrier between you, if possible, to give her a sense of physical protection.
- Avoid standing in doorways. Either stay in the hallway or come fully into the room. If you’re in the doorway, you’re blocking the exit and leaving the woman with no escape route. This can feel very unsafe.
Why This Matters
Following these simple rules makes good sense in the workplace and beyond. Helping women feel safe is good for…
- Them: It allows women to stay present, think clearly, and engage fully instead of diverting energy to assessing risk and protecting themselves.
- You: It protects you from HR complaints, legal trouble, and reputational damage. And makes sure you’re known for your work, not a misstep in how you handled an interaction.
- Business: Being in fight or flight mode prevents people from doing their best work. Ensuring that everyone has a shared sense of physical and psychological safety increases productivity, creativity, and effectiveness, which impacts the bottom line.
Final Thoughts
You may not realize it, but many women are running a constant risk assessment in the background of every interaction. The more you understand that and adjust accordingly, the more effective, respected, and trusted you’ll be with the women you work with.
